This Life

   I'm trying to accept that this stage of life is just going to be busy, and messy, without much time for myself, or much of anything besides kids. But sometimes its harder than others. Right now I am struggling with the fact that my home is always messy. I had a nanny that worked 3 days, then quit with 1.5 hours notice to take a teaching job.  When I told her that was unprofessional, she got really nasty, and made a comment about how the dishes in my sink were disgusting. The truth is, she was right. I had had a bunch of visitors over the weekend, and hadn't been home much. I hadn't gotten on top of things, and there were a bunch of dishes. But the truth is, there is always some excuse. Right now, we just got back from vacation, and have been furiously looking for childcare. Along with a million other things. I have been working my butt off to organize and clean my home. It feels like it is just never going to happen though. Jason wants to be held all.the.time. Wesley wants to play all.the.time. I try to take time to clean, I even put them in front of a screen(gasp) to try to get time to clean, but it doesn't last very long, then they are back to making a mess faster than I can clean. Literally. It's just never enough. Before kids, if I had visited a house like mine, I would have been pretty judgy probably. I really don't know how other moms do it. I visit their homes, they are so much cleaner than mine. I hear other moms complain about how they can't keep their homes clean. I just think, if only they saw mine... There are used wash cloths that sit in the shower from kids baths for WEEKS. The clean laundry piles up until its a dirty laundry pile instead. My kitchen counters are never cleared, let alone clean. The vacuum doesn't come out until Jason dumps out a big thing of cracker crumbs everywhere, or something similar happens. I even started having a housekeeper come and clean every other week. I try to tell myself that next time I will have things picked up, and surfaces cleared. I don't know that it is ever going to happen. I purge things, because I think if I have less stuff it'll stay cleaner. It just doesn't. Not how I want it to.
The to do list is endless, as is the guilt about my lack of accomplishing things. I still haven't hung the rod in the coat closet since the remodel. Or put in the transition strip by the tile/hardwood. Or patched some holes, or a million other things. The yard never gets the attention it needs, even though I LOVE gardening.
The truth is we are trying so so hard. We both work our butts off from the moment we wake up, until the moment we go to bed. And yet I still have another mom criticizing my home. I know she was a jerk, and totally out of line, etc. etc.
  But there are other things. I feel like I was an awesome mom when I had just Wesley. I gave him everything he needed. 2 kids is so much different. When I get 1 on 1 time with either kid, I feel like an awesome mom again. But with both, they never get my undivided attention. The demands are endless from them, and exhausting. I think a lot of parenting is just about stamina. How many times can you say no to something before you give in just to make it stop. Or make them wash their hands, or clean up their toys, or get dressed, etc. Kids are experts at wearing you down. Hitting you when you are down. Finding your weak spots. Endurance. Its real.

I am also starting a big scary job this week. I have been assisting births for a while now, but I am stepping into the midwife role, and working lots and lots of hours. It is terrifying, even though it is something that I really really want. I am excited about it.  And grateful. But terrified. And feeling guilty about the stress it is putting on my family. I don't HAVE to work, not financially. Truth is, I don't even know if we will break even at first with childcare costs. And someone else will have to care for my children a lot of the time. And I will miss them like crazy. And it will be hard. But I need to work emotionally. I want to be the mom that can be happy as a stay at home mom, but I'm not. I need that other side of me. Guilt.

And my brother is going through hell with chemo. And theres really nothing I can do to help him. I hate it. Really really really hate it. And I'm scared it won't work. And I don't know what to say to him because nothing I say will take the pain away. I am a match for him for a bone marrow transplant, and will possibly be the best donor. It's awesome to think of helping him like that. But I worry I'm not doing enough with my health to give him the best. I had intention to get in amazing shape. But it's not happening. In fact the opposite is.  I had lost all the pregnancy weight, and was exercising a lot. And loving it. Then I hurt my knee and it took forever to heal, and still hasn't all the way. And then I broke my toe. And then I just got out of the habit. And I discovered I eat when I'm anxious. And boy have I been anxious. Never had anxiety, until Jason was born. Now I'm learning how to deal with that. And I want to diet, and exercise, and fit in my clothes again. But its hard. And I have a lot of things taking my emotional strength right now.

And I could just as easily write a post about how great everything is going in my life. Because it really is. I am super blessed and have so many good things in my life. I love my life. Really really do. But some days are harder than others.