Being a mom

It's still weird to think of myself as a mom. I mean, my entire day and life right now is devoted to that little guy, and I act like a mom. But the title is still weird. Mom refers to my mom, not me. Maybe when he starts to call me that.... :-)

Otherwise, being a mom is really great a lot of the time. And really hard. I totally understand why people say that having kids is hard, but they wouldn't trade it for anything. I have seriously never known such joy before. Or such exhaustion. The feel it in your bones wonder how you can ever move another muscle kind of exhaustion. So the joy must be pretty intense to make up for that. And it is. I would seriously spend all day just admiring all of Wesley's little toes, and fingers, and tummy, and pretty much every bit of him if he let me. All I want in life right now is to cuddle him like crazy. And hear him laugh, and see him smile. I am firmly convinced that there has never been a cuter, and more amazing baby ever born. And I do not think I am blind as a mom. He is so cool.

There are so many joyful moments throughout the day. Today he was burrowing his face in my neck, and talking to me. It was so cute I started to laugh, which happened to be right into his neck/ear. That made him laugh, which made me laugh. We just laughed into each other for several minutes. There is no drug that can produce that many endorphins. I can't handle how freaking adorable and amazing he is a lot of the time. Like how when Brigham comes home from work he just smiles so big at him and laughs with delight before Brigham even says anything. Or how he is ticklish in the bathtub. Or how he smiles up at me when he wakes up sometimes. Or sticks his bottom lip out and his chin up as he falls asleep. Or grabs everything with his toes. I could really go on and on. I am completely and hopelessly obsessed and in love.

But it is hard. There are so many decisions to make that affect him. Me and Brigham don't always agree  on those decisions. Wesley also throws us curve balls all the time and shakes things up. Like how he reacted terribly to the Dtap vaccine. So we don't give it the next time and he has a different reaction to the other shots and can't keep anything down for a day. It feels like such a big decision about vaccinating when he reacts so terribly, when I had always thought it was clear cut before I had him. It's hard to know what is best for the little guy.I can feel myself changing rapidly in my new role in unexpected ways.

It is also so exhausting. He doesn't sleep easily, or well. Hard to get to sleep, doesn't stay asleep long. At night or during the day. Sleep deprivation is what I feared most about motherhood. And I'm getting to experience it in all of its glory. What I wouldn't give for 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep...

Anyway. Just random thoughts while Wesley is asleep out of my arms for a change.

Here is what a typical day looks like for us:

5:30- Wesley wakes up- Brigham takes him and rocks him to get him to sleep for a little longer. Then they have Father son time while I sleep a little longer. Brigham gives him his medicine and tries to get Wesley to take a bottle. He is a great father/husband

7:30-8- I get out of bed, feed Wesley, and take over so Brigham can get ready and go to work. Sometimes I get a shower if Brigham doesn't have to go in early.

9:00- Wesley goes down for a nap. I nurse him, sometimes he falls asleep then and I have to hold him the whole time. Otherwise I rock him to sleep, and hold him like that. I read a book and text people while he naps.

10:30-11- Wesley wakes up and we play for a little bit. I try to eat lunch. Then we go for an outing. A quick trip to the grocery store. Or a walk with him in his carrier.

1:00 Wesley takes another nap either  in bed with me or in the rocking chair with me.

2:30-3 Wesley wakes up and we play, and maybe go for another outing. Go for a walk if that wasn't our earlier outing.

4:30-5 wesley takes another quick nap sometimes.

Play some more and wait for Brigham to get home, this is grouchy time typically.

6:00 Brigham comes home and Wesley gets happier for a bit because he loves his daddy. I shower if I didn't get to earlier, and make dinner quickly. We eat dinner in shifts usually.

6:45 Wesley gets a bath, and then a massage, and nurses to sleep.

He usually wakes up again a few times before settling. Then nurses again at 10:30, 1:30, and 4:30. He might wake up sometimes between those nursing times too. Then he is up at 5:30ish again.

This is a bit of an ideal day. Usually his naps are a lot more difficult and he wakes up in the middle but doesn't want to, and I spend an hour trying to get him back to sleep. Always a little different with him. But I like to think of this as a goal schedule for the day.

And that is my life now, and I have to say I love most parts of it. I really wouldn't trade this time for anything. Not even sleep, although that is hard to say.

Both feet in mouth